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How To Heal From Childhood Abuse: Steps Towards Freedom

Healing from childhood abuse as an adult is a deeply personal and transformative journey that starts with acknowledging your experiences and setting meaningful goals. In this episode – How to Heal from Childhood Abuse – we explore effective approaches like parts work therapy, EMDR treatment, and mindfulness to help you reconnect with yourself and build resilience. You’ll gain insights into overcoming common challenges like shame, fear, and avoidance while discovering how post-traumatic growth can lead to greater self-awareness and inner strength. Join us to learn practical tools, hear inspiring real-life stories, and take the first steps toward healing at your own pace.

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How to heal from childhood abuse

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Transcript of this episode

If you prefer to read the transcript, you can find it here. Or, if you’d like to jump to key sections in this episode, use the guide below:

Table of Contents

Welcome to Trauma Demystified.
Today’s episode is about how to heal from childhood abuse —a topic that is very close to my heart as someone who has experienced it personally. I know there’s still a stigma surrounding this subject, and my hope for this episode is to help you identify the effects of childhood abuse and explore ways to recover.

It’s important to clarify that experiencing childhood abuse isn’t always the same as experiencing trauma. While childhood abuse increases the risk of trauma, it doesn’t always happen. Abuse and trauma exist on a spectrum, and there isn’t always a clear line between them, and that’s ok. I began my healing journey before I even realized I had experienced trauma. However, I also want to share that trauma counselling played an essential role in my healing compared to other approaches.

While many adults who have experienced childhood abuse are well-functioning, it can still impact our mental, emotional, relational, and physical health. For example, individuals who’ve experienced childhood abuse are at a higher risk of developing anxiety or depression. It may also affect our attachment style, our capacity to set boundaries and our ability to trust others. However, it’s crucial to understand that these symptoms are not a lifetime sentence—healing from childhood abuse is possible and within reach.

I also understand that exploring this topic takes tremendous courage. It often means confronting difficult truths about our families, which can feel deeply challenging. Many of us, myself included, have loyal parts that want to protect our families since there is often an intergenerational transmission of violent dynamics. It’s important to remember that healing isn’t about placing blame. It’s about acknowledging what happened to us, understanding its impact, and getting healthier.

Understanding childhood abuse and neglect

In discussing childhood abuse, it’s essential to differentiate between abuse and neglect. Abuse typically involves intentional actions meant to harm, while neglect is passive—a caregiver’s failure to meet a child’s essential needs. Both can profoundly shape a child’s development, but recognizing and naming these experiences is a powerful first step toward healing.

Childhood neglect

Let’s look first at neglect: Neglect can manifest in several ways:

  • Physical neglect happens if the caregiver fails to provide necessities like food, water, or shelter.
  • Emotional neglect means the caregiver ignores a child’s need for love, attention, or emotional validation.
  • Educational neglect occurs if a caregiver overlooks a child’s right to learn and grow through proper education.
  • Medical neglect takes place if the caregiver fails to address the child’s health needs or withholds medical care.

Although neglect, in any form, can leave deep scars, it’s important to remember that these experiences don’t define your future. Healing is possible, and every step toward understanding your story is a step toward reclaiming your sense of self.

Here are some examples from my story: For instance, when my mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was three, I witnessed her undergoing multiple surgeries over three years. Her face changed dramatically as a result, and as a young child, I was scared of these changes. However, no one in my family acknowledged my feelings. Instead, the expectation was that I should support her and function well, even though I had my fears and confusion. I often had a sense of terror during this time. This lack of emotional support and the pressure to care for my mother at such a young age illustrate emotional neglect. My needs were overlooked, and I wasn’t given the space to process the overwhelming situation. Moments like this—where vulnerability is met with dismissal—can leave a child feeling unseen, unheard, and invalidated

Understanding Emotional Abuse

While neglect often involves the absence of care, emotional abuse is about the presence of harm through words, actions, or attitudes. It’s a behaviour pattern that undermines a child’s sense of worth, safety, or belonging. Emotional abuse can include:

  • Criticism and humiliation occur if the caregiver makes the child feel inadequate or ashamed.
  • Blame and scapegoating happen if the caregiver holds the child responsible for problems they didn’t cause.
  • Control and invalidation occur if the caregiver denies the child’s identity, individuality, or emotions. While it can happen in any environment, it’s a common theme for queer children who grew up in a homophobic or transphobic environment.
  • Threats and name-calling mean that the caregiver uses fear or verbal aggression to dominate.

For example, my family had a constant dynamic of blame. My sibling and I were often held accountable for conflicts in the household. As a result, I internalized the belief that it was my fault if things went wrong in our family. As a result, I took on too much responsibility for things that weren’t mine.

Another pivotal moment came when my mother advised me to “accept” my stepfather’s violent behaviour rather than protect myself. Her words sent a message that my safety didn’t matter and that it was my fault if I was targeted by physical violence. At the time, I didn’t have the language to recognize this as emotional abuse, but its effects shaped my self-perception and relationships for years. I learned to avoid potentially violent situations by letting go of my boundaries and disconnecting from my needs.

Even in these painful situations, we need to recognize that our responses as children were adaptive coping skills to survive. We can transform these patterns as adults and heal over time. Reflecting on our experiences with curiosity and gentleness for ourselves is a powerful step toward recovery.

Physical Abuse and Its Impacts

Physical abuse is more visible than other forms of mistreatment since it involves deliberate actions that cause physical harm. Examples include:

  • If the caregiver hits or kicks the child or if they use objects to inflict pain.
  • Additionally, the caregiver may use severe physical punishment or violent outbursts.
  • Furthermore, they may take actions that endanger a child’s life or well-being.

In my case, I was mostly spared from direct physical abuse, but I witnessed my stepfather hitting my sibling. This created an environment where violence felt normal, even inevitable. My sibling’s fight response often escalated conflicts, while my fawn response allowed me to mostly avoid direct harm. However, neither reaction was truly protective in the long term—we were both deeply affected by the normalization of violence in our family and the lack of responsibility of adults.

Witnessing physical abuse, even if not directed at us, can have lasting impacts. It challenges our sense of safety and leaves us carrying fear, anger, or guilt that isn’t ours to bear. Acknowledging these feelings without judgment can be a first step toward healing.

The hidden nature of childhood sexual abuse

Childhood sexual abuse involves any sexual activity with a minor, which is often accompanied by secrecy, manipulation, or threats. It can take many forms, such as a caregiver using inappropriate touching or exposure. Furthermore, they may use coercion to force the child into sexual acts. Additionally, it occurs if the caregiver uses the child for sexual gratification or if they use obscene communication.

One of the complexities of childhood sexual abuse is how the mind protects itself. Memories can be fragmented or repressed, surfacing only when we feel safe enough to face them. For me, these memories remained hidden until I distanced myself from my family. While painful to uncover, they marked the beginning of my journey toward reclaiming my sense of self.

It’s crucial to know that healing from childhood sexual abuse is not only possible but also empowering. The shame and silence surrounding these experiences don’t have to define us. Seeking support and breaking that silence is an act of courage.

Invitation to reflect

As you hear these examples, I encourage you to approach your story with curiosity and care. You don’t have to force yourself to remember or label every experience right now. Instead, notice what resonates with you.

Healing begins with acknowledgment—giving yourself the compassion and understanding that may have been missing in your childhood. Whether you’re just starting to explore these memories or have been working through them for years, each step you take is a testament to your strength.

Experiences like these—whether neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, or sexual abuse—shape how we see ourselves, interact with others, and navigate the world. As you read this, I invite you to take a moment to reflect on your own experiences. You might ask yourself:

  • Were there moments when your emotional needs went unmet?
  • Did you feel seen and heard by the adults in your life?
  • Were you ever made to feel responsible for things outside your control?
  • What patterns or behaviours shaped your childhood, and how do they influence you today?

Recognizing the impact of your story is an essential first step toward healing. No matter your experiences, know that it is possible to process and move forward. You are not alone in your journey; support is available to help you reclaim your sense of safety, trust, and self-worth.

Effects of childhood abuse

Childhood abuse—whether physical, emotional, or neglectful—can leave lasting imprints on how we see ourselves and relate to others. As I mentioned earlier, the effects of childhood abuse exist on a spectrum, and it can increase the risk of complex trauma. I’ll explore that more deeply in the next episode.

For now, here’s an idea of how childhood abuse might affect us:

  • Emotional well-being: We may feel shame and guilt, or experience low self-worth. Some parts of us might believe it’s all our fault, while other parts constantly doubt our abilities or decisions. This can include the fact that we struggle to trust our intuition or emotions. Some people may feel numb or disconnected from their feelings.
  • Relationships: Childhood abuse can disconnect us from our boundaries, and it can be challenging to set healthy boundaries. We may find it difficult to discern unhealthy behaviours from healthy ones. We might be too trusting or find it hard to trust anyone. Curious about your boundary-setting skills? Take our Healthy Boundaries Quiz to gain insights and start building stronger relationships.”
  • Mental health: Unresolved childhood abuse can lead to symptoms of anxiety or depression. We might also experience dissociation or reactive trauma responses, especially under stress.
  • Physical health: Chronic pain or unexplained aches can sometimes reflect how our bodies hold onto the impacts of trauma.

It’s important to remember that these effects are not weaknesses—they are survival responses to difficult circumstances. Your body and mind adapted to protect you, even if those adaptations no longer serve you today.

While these impacts can feel overwhelming, they are not permanent. Healing is possible, and with time and support, you can transform these patterns into strengths.

Recovery is not about forgetting the past but reclaiming your present and future. Healing begins when we acknowledge our pain while building the tools and resilience to move forward. In the next section, we’ll explore steps you can take to start or continue your healing journey.

Steps to begin the healing process from childhood abuse

Healing from childhood abuse can be challenging because it often shifts how we perceive our family and upbringing. However, this process is about finding freedom and realizing your full potential. Honesty with yourself is crucial as you begin. You might approach healing from two perspectives: focus on your symptoms or examine the dynamics within your family system. Start with whichever feels more accessible for you.

Acknowledge what has happened to you

Acknowledging the abuse you experienced is often a gradual process. It can take time to validate your experiences fully. For instance, it was easier for me to recognize sexual and physical abuse; however, it took me longer to acknowledge the emotional one fully. Therefore, it was a bit like peeling an onion. The more layers I peeled off and the better I understood it, the more empowered I became. Reading stories from others who had faced similar experiences gave me hope and reminded me that recovery is achievable.

Addressing neglect or emotional abuse can be even more complex since society often struggles to recognize these dynamics as harmful. For example, I made the difficult decision to cut ties with my father because he was emotionally abusive. Afterward, he continued stalking me, which led me to seek police protection. Despite this, I faced judgment from others, like the parents of an ex-partner, who believed it was unacceptable to distance oneself from family, no matter their behaviour. My first therapist also failed to acknowledge these toxic dynamics, which hindered my progress and delayed my healing process. Keep in mind that it is vital that you find appropriate support that can recognize toxic dynamics.

Break your silence

One of the most powerful steps you can take is sharing your story with someone who provides a safe and supportive space. This could be a therapist, a trusted friend, or a support group. What matters is finding someone who understands the various forms of abuse and neglect and can validate your experiences.

Create healthy boundaries

Healing is about reclaiming your agency and prioritizing your well-being. It is okay to create distance from family members who continue to show toxic or abusive behaviours. Avoiding potentially harmful situations is an essential step of Trauma recovery phase 1. Remember, this process is not about blame but taking responsibility for your healing and learning to respect yourself. Please remember that setting healthy boundaries is a journey of growth and self-awareness. Many people have parts that talk them out of their boundaries. So, you’ll need to connect with your different parts and integrate them in this process.

Explore symptoms with curiosity

Recognizing how childhood abuse has shaped your symptoms is an essential part of the healing process. Instead of blaming yourself, approach your experiences with curiosity. For example, understanding that certain behaviours or feelings stem from protective responses by your nervous system can reduce shame and open the door to growth.

Through this process, you can learn to:

  • Self-regulate and soothe yourself during difficult moments.
  • Understand and assert your boundaries.
  • Develop assertiveness to navigate healthy relationships.

These are skills many of us didn’t learn growing up in toxic environments, but they are learnable and critical for your recovery. If you want to explore your nervous system more, please explore the episodes about Polyvagal Theory and the Window of Tolerance. They can help you identify the state of your nervous system, and you’ll find tools on how to regulate it. I will add them to the description of this episode.

Takeaway

Healing is not about changing the past—it’s about reclaiming your present and creating a healthier future. Start this journey with gentleness and curiosity. Know that healing is possible and that every step you take is a testament to your courage and strength.

Healing approaches

Before diving into specific healing approaches, it’s important to emphasize that healing from childhood abuse is deeply personal. Your journey will depend on your unique situation, symptoms, and the goals you have for your life. For example, I began my healing journey because I wanted to have healthy relationships and break the cycle of intergenerational violence. Due to my childhood abuse, I struggled with boundary awareness and had never learned how to be assertive.

As you embark on your healing process, make sure your goals motivate you. Here are some common goals I often work on with my clients:

  • Setting healthy boundaries
  • Asserting one’s needs in a healthy way
  • Learning to communicate respectfully
  • Increasing inner and outer safety
  • Overcoming fear of conflict
  • Moving past self-blame
  • Managing emotions in a healthy way
  • Healing from childhood abuse

Clients usually have a unique combination of goals based on their individual experiences, so the treatment approach must be tailored accordingly.

Now, let’s look at some healing approaches that can be particularly useful when healing from childhood abuse. Many people who have experienced childhood abuse tend to be more connected to their rational minds while disconnecting from their emotional selves. For this reason, bottom-up approaches are often the most effective, as they re-integrate the rational and emotional aspects of the self. The most common healing modalities include:

Parts Work Therapy

Childhood abuse can lead to inner fragmentation, with symptoms ranging from subtle to intense. Partswork therapy helps create a supportive inner dialogue, allowing you to befriend your emotions and work through conflicting parts of yourself. For example, those of us who’ve experienced childhood abuse may have parts that talk us out of our boundaries. Partswork therapy can help heal attachment wounds and move toward creating a more secure attachment style. Please check out Episode 6 of Trauma Demystified to learn more about it.

Somatic Approaches

Somatic approaches, like Somatic Experiencing, are beneficial for processing experiences that may be trapped in the body. These approaches also support reconnecting with the body and establishing healthy boundaries, as our boundaries are often rooted in our physical selves.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

EMDR uses bilateral stimulation to integrate traumatic memories on emotional, bodily, and cognitive levels. It can be beneficial when combined with parts work therapy, helping to reduce the emotional intensity tied to different parts of ourselves. To learn more about EMDR therapy, please listen to the episode “EMDR: What to Expect” or explore the blog post “EMDR for Childhood Trauma.”

While these are some of the most effective modalities, any modality should include work with personal boundaries and skills to regulate the nervous system. Developing these skills is vital for healing from childhood abuse and should be integrated into any of the treatment modalities I have mentioned.

Self-help practices for healing

If you prefer to heal on your own, the following self-help practice can help you on your journey.

Journaling

Journaling can be an excellent tool for recognizing how past experiences have shaped your present and for transforming those patterns. It’s helpful in identifying negative beliefs about yourself or exploring different parts of your psyche.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness practices help reconnect you with your body and your emotions, enabling you to recognize them without judgment. Exploring different mindfulness practices can help you find what works best for you. Over time, mindfulness can improve self-awareness, reduce stress, and help with emotional regulation. It also supports healthier attachment styles. You can check out different YouTube channels that offer mindfulness practices. I recommend exploring the work of Thich Nhat Hanh or the Mindful Movement if you want to try it out.

Nervous System Regulation

Polyvagal theory is a powerful tool for recognizing the state of your nervous system and finding ways to co-regulate with others. Learning about and applying polyvagal theory can help you become more in tune with your body’s responses. For more information, check out my podcast episode on this topic or explore the work of Deb Dana.

Inner Child Work

If you wish to start independently, many workbooks and resources are available on Amazon for inner child work. During my journey, I found the “Inner Bonding” workbook helpful. However, if you feel overwhelmed or notice that your nervous system becomes more dysregulated, seeking professional help can be beneficial.

Psychoeducation

Books on healthy boundaries and assertiveness help you identify where you are in your healing and explore areas of improvement. When I read a book about assertiveness, I became aware of how submissive I had been in my relationships. It helped me understand assertiveness and how I could practice it. It’s important to remember that skills like boundary-setting and assertiveness require daily practice and are a lifelong journey. Therefore, I invite you to be patient and persistent.

Additionally, it’s helpful to explore books that describe toxic dynamics since they allow you to identify these dynamics if they occur. I have an e-book about toxic relationship dynamics that you can download free of charge. I’ll add it to the description of this episode.

Take away

Healing from childhood abuse requires patience, gentleness, and appropriate support. Whether through therapy or self-help practices, taking the first step toward healing is an empowering act. Integrating these healing techniques can create the foundation for a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Common challenges while healing from childhood abuse

While healing from childhood abuse is possible, several challenges can hinder the start or progress of the healing journey. Remember, each of us has a different healing journey, so you will likely encounter your specific ones. However, here are some common challenges that I have noticed over the years:

Parts that are scared to face the past or are overwhelmed

Many individuals have parts that are scared to confront the past or feel overwhelmed by memories. This is a completely natural response. If you face this, know you don’t have to navigate it alone. Reaching out to a trauma counsellor can provide tools and strategies to help you face your past without becoming overwhelmed. Healing doesn’t have to be done in a single, overwhelming leap; small, manageable steps usually provide steady progress.

Parts that want to avoid the past

Some rational parts may want to avoid the past or minimize what happened to protect you from pain. While these parts allowed you to survive, they may hinder your recovery. If you find yourself avoiding or dissociating, engaging in therapy regularly and exploring these parts in a safe environment can be helpful. Understanding the fears of these parts and integrating them into your healing process is essential. They need to agree with your recovery journey. Remember, healing is rarely linear, and setbacks are natural. What matters is that you return to the journey when you feel ready.

Shame and self-blame

Feelings of shame and self-blame are common for people who have experienced childhood abuse. You may have parts that believe you deserved the abuse or that it was your fault. These internalized beliefs can block your healing and prevent you from seeking support. Working with a mental health professional who recognizes these dynamics can be beneficial in these cases. They can guide you in challenging these harmful beliefs and re-educate you on the truth of what happened, helping you break free from the cycle of shame.

Takeaway how to heal from childhood abuse

I can’t tell you what transformation you will experience when you heal from childhood abuse. Many people who have experienced childhood abuse transform their lives in ways they never thought possible. For example, some individuals who struggled with a sense of unworthiness and disconnection have found strength through therapy and integrated their painful experiences. As a result, they created fulfilled relationships and careers. Others, who once battled with intense self-blame and shame, have found peace through partswork therapy and EMDR and discovered a sense of empowerment they never knew they had.

The healing journey is one of post-traumatic growth — it allows you to not only overcome the pain of your past but also gain a greater understanding of yourself and life. Through this process, you develop the tools for emotional regulation, healthier boundaries, and stronger self-awareness, leading to a more empowered and authentic life. Remember, healing is not a destination but a continuous journey. It is a path of ongoing self-discovery and growth, where each step brings you closer to living a life full of possibilities and fulfillment. You don’t have to walk this path alone; with time and support, healing and thriving are within reach.

How to heal from childhood abuse – Closing thoughts

I want to acknowledge your bravery in exploring this profoundly personal and challenging topic. It takes courage to confront and heal from childhood abuse, and you are doing that work. Whether you’re just starting your journey or continuing to move forward, remember that every step you take matters.

If you found today’s episode helpful, please subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss future episodes. And if you know someone who might benefit from this conversation, I encourage you to share this episode with them. Explore the resources in the show notes for more tools and insights to support your healing journey.

 

Healing is collective

Sharing stories helps dismantle shame and silence — feel free to pass this one on. If this post meant something to you, feel free to share it.

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About the author

Natalie Jovanic (they/them) is a trauma counsellor and the founder of Bright Horizon Therapies. With over 14 years of experience, they support people in healing from trauma, grief, and loss through a gentle, trauma-informed, and anti-oppressive approach. Natalie also hosts Trauma Demystified, a podcast that explores the many layers of trauma and the paths to healing.

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About Natalie

The image shows Natalie Jovanic - a trauma counsellor and trauma recovery coach

Natalie Jovanic is the owner of Bright Horizon Therapies and host of the “Trauma Demystified” podcast. They are a trauma counsellor and coach dedicated to safe, effective healing. Natalie won the GHP Award for Social Justice in Trauma Therapy Advocacy. Learn more about Natalie here and connect on LinkedIn or Bluesky.

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