Boundaries for Adults with Childhood Trauma: Why They’re Hard and How to Build Them

Welcome to Trauma Demystified. I’m Natalie Jovanic – a trauma counsellor and complex trauma coach. I’ve walked the path of trauma recovery myself, and I’ve been working with clients navigating complex trauma, childhood trauma, and relational trauma for over 15 years.

In today’s episode, we explore Boundaries in Adulthood: Healing Childhood Trauma. It’s especially for adults who have experienced childhood abuse, neglect, or who grew up in a dysfunctional family.

Have you ever read an article about healthy boundaries and had no clue how to get there? Or do you want to set boundaries, but no matter what you do, your system shuts down? Many articles speak about healthy boundaries, but only a few of them acknowledge the interdependent inner process that is necessary to learn setting healthy boundaries as an adult.

As a person who has learned to have healthy boundaries after childhood trauma myself, I am aware that’s often not as easy as it sounds. I invite you to see it as a growth process, no matter where you are in your healing journey. 

It’s okay if it takes time to get there. See this episode as a seed. We are planting something new here—an understanding about boundaries after childhood trauma. I’ll give you examples of what to look for; I don’t know your specific situation. So, use them as a tool to see what resonates with you and let go of what doesn’t. Healthy boundaries are often about learning to trust our inner sense.

While childhood trauma or childhood abuse can influence our capacity to set healthy boundaries as an adult, it’s also a skill we can develop in adulthood. This inner process asks for gentleness and curiosity. Healthy boundaries are about learning to respect ourselves and trust ourselves again. 

Creating healthy boundaries is often more than just skill-building, but also digging deeper into your inner world to connect with those parts of you that prevent you from setting them and about reconnecting with your body respectfully. There’s nothing wrong with these parts. They are likely protective parts that helped you survive, but they may block you from moving towards healthier boundaries today. 

So, if you notice throughout the episode that your boundaries aren’t as good as you want them to be, be gentle with yourself. This awareness is the first step towards change. Your accountability and commitment to growth will make a difference in your life. 

In this episode, I give you an introduction on understanding boundaries and childhood trauma, exploring when your boundaries are crossed and how to respond when you cross another person’s boundaries. Last but not least, we’ll jump into applying the tools to your life. I will integrate some reflective practices throughout the episode, and I invite you to experiment with them.

Understanding boundaries and childhood trauma

Boundaries are the lines between two people that allow us to create healthy connections. They help us embrace our differences and define what’s okay for us and what isn’t. Furthermore, they strengthen our sense of self. They define who we are and who we are not. 

If you want to learn more about boundaries, check out the article, Complete Guide to Boundaries in Relationships.

Healthy boundaries: Part of assertiveness

Healthy boundaries are part of assertiveness – being in relationship with each other while respecting each other and getting each other’s needs met. Assertiveness is the antidote to aggression and submission, which we often learned in violent systems. 

Aggression, submission, assertiveness

In abusive dynamics, we typically see aggression – where one person’s needs dominate – or submission – where one person’s needs disappear. Assertiveness means both people matter. Both people find win-win solutions. Both people have the right to boundaries. I found this framework incredibly helpful in my own healing journey, and many of my clients find it meaningful in the context of creating healthier relationships. In the next episode, I’ll explore more about assertiveness and your rights.

Boundaries are personal

Boundaries are personal, so there’s no generic boundary that is applicable to everyone. The only exception to this rule is that abusive behaviours as well as racist or discriminatory behaviours are generally a boundary violation. Apart from this, it’s about the inner journey to connect with yourself and explore what your boundary is.

Boundaries essential to heal relational trauma

Boundaries are an essential part of the Integrative Trauma Recovery Model™, I use to support my clients. Because you can’t build healthy relationships, heal from relational trauma, or reclaim your sense of self without learning to recognize and communicate your boundaries.

Development of boundaries

As with many other aspects, our boundaries develop in childhood. Until we are about 18 months old, we only have a minimal sense of our boundaries, which is also linked to the initial fetal fusion with the mother or birthing parent and the dependency after birth. If we grew up in a healthy environment, the separation between the child and the parents happens naturally. However, childhood abuse, neglect, and toxic or dysfunctional family dynamics can cause boundaries to become entangled, rigid, or nonexistent. That’s not about blaming you; you needed to adjust your boundaries as a child to survive.

Let me share an example from my own life. In my family of origin, boundaries were nonexistent. As a child, I was supposed to do what the adults were telling me. Boundaries were never talked about. My mother often used to say, “You have to accept them as they are,” referring to the abusive behaviour of my stepfather and father. Non-compliance was usually followed by negative repercussions like being shamed or a threat of physical violence. Furthermore, my grandfather and my stepfather used guilt-tripping to manipulate me, which resulted in my having no clue what my boundaries were as a young adult.

The more I healed, the more I recognized the importance of boundaries: They allow me to respect myself and empower myself in relationships. They protect me from toxic and abusive dynamics. Furthermore, they allow me to be closer to people: I actually feel relieved when people can set healthy boundaries with me. I’d learned to read people’s unstated boundaries because there was so much manipulation. When someone directly tells me where their boundary is? That’s a gift. I don’t have to guess. I don’t have to walk on eggshells. 

If two people practice healthy boundaries is not about pushing others away, it increases trust in relationships. Relationships with healthy boundaries usually feel easier and clear than toxic ones.

Reflection pause 

I invite you to take take a moment:

• How were boundaries lived in your family of origin?
• Were they ever talked about?
• How did your parents role model boundaries?
• How did people respond when you set a boundary as a child?

As an adult today:

• How is it for you to set boundaries?
• What works well?
• What doesn’t?
• How is it for you to receive a boundary?
• What are your strengths and what are areas you could improve upon?

There’s no wrong answer. Just notice what comes up for you. If you want to, pause the audio and reflect on it for a couple of minutes.

Common patterns around boundaries for adults with childhood trauma

When you cross someone’s boundary

In my work with clients, I notice different patterns. Some people have a tremendous fear of crossing others’ boundaries, as if it’s forbidden. They’re terrified of accidentally violating someone’s boundary. They freeze up, over-apologize, or avoid authentic connection altogether. 

Others go into deep shame spirals when someone sets a boundary with them, interpreting it as rejection or proof they’re “too much” or that they “are bad.” While it is useful to have compassion with these parts because they likely created these responses due to past trauma, it’s also necessary to work towards transforming these patterns.

The reality is that when we are in a relationship, boundary crossings may occur, and we may hurt each other. What differentiates a healthy from a toxic relationship is that the boundary violations are communicated, and the other person puts in effort to change. While this is a bit simplified, I often say to my clients that hurt may happen in relationship, however we can avoid harm be taking care of our boundaries and lean into growth. 

When you try to set a boundary

I’ve noticed that many people feel tremendous guilt even about starting to set a boundary. They may have parts that put other people first or parts that are scared to lose the relationship if they set a boundary. We may have strong parts that find excuses for other people’s toxic or abusive behaviours which may expose us to additional harm (even though you are never responsible for the other person’s harmful behaviours).

When you avoid connection

Some people may have very rigid boundaries, i.e. they avoid contact with others and don’t allow anybody in. While focusing on your own healing and avoiding people for a while can be useful, it can also prevent you from creating healthy connections. So it really matters that you explore your needs and motivations.

Keep in mind: These are just examples that I’ve noticed. Your reality may look different, and that’s to be expected. Everyone needs to look inside and be curious about what parts get activated when it comes to setting boundaries or crossing other people’s boundaries.

If you want to dive deeper into exploring your boundaries, take the “Healthy Boundaries Quiz.“

Effect of childhood abuse on boundaries in adulthood

So, how can childhood abuse affect your boundaries in adulthood?

Abuse, trauma, and boundaries are often interconnected, so it’s natural that learning to set healthy boundaries is part of the healing process—and often not as clear-cut as we hope it to be.

Fawn response

Just to give you an example: childhood abuse can lead to childhood trauma. Some symptoms of trauma are the fawn response, where we let go of boundaries to protect ourselves (which is protective if it was dangerous to set a boundary). Curious about your nervous system? Listen to: Polyvagal Theory for Trauma.

Disconnect from body

Furthermore, parts may have disconnected from your body, and boundaries are in your body. Therefore, it may be harder to fully recognize your boundaries. 

Responsibility for what’s not yours

Additionally, you may have learned to take responsibility for other people’s emotions—or our caregivers’ or parents’ emotions – in order to survive. Therefore, you may lose contact with your boundaries. Keep in mind that you are not responsible for other people’s emotions. 

Conflict avoidance

Additionally, there may be parts that want to avoid conflict because they learned that conflict is dangerous. Setting a boundary might have been a cue of danger, given the negative repercussions afterward. Therefore, your nervous system may go into a trauma response when challenged with setting boundaries. 

Mindreading

Many of us learned to mindread as children—constantly scanning and anticipating what our caregivers needed before they exploded or withdrew. That hypervigilance kept us safe. But as adults, we’re still doing it. We’re exhausted from trying to figure out what everyone needs, feeling responsible for managing everyone’s emotions, and sometimes resentful when people don’t appreciate our efforts.

If you want to learn to set healthy boundaries, it’s about the iterative process to identify your boundary, connect and learning to manage parts that are scared to set them, reconnect with your body and understand trauma responses and finding ways to manage them. 

Given these complex, interdependent dynamics, it matters that you cultivate curiosity about your inner experience. There’s nothing wrong with you—your inner system has done its best to survive extreme circumstances. You need to understand these interdependencies in order to learn to set healthy boundaries.

I want to emphasize that even if you set healthy boundaries, it doesn’t mean that it will turn out well each time. It’s usually a warning sign that something is off in the relationship if a person ignores your boundary after you communicated it.

Obstacles in adulthood to set healthy boundaries after childhood trauma

The effects of childhood trauma are often layered and complex. Here are some common themes:

Fear of anger

Many adults with childhood trauma are afraid of anger because their parents or caregivers used anger against them in extreme ways. It’s important to note that there is a difference between feeling angry and expressing anger with violent behaviours. Anger is a useful emotion that usually signals that our boundaries have been violated.

Fear of being disloyal

Some people may feel disloyal if they assert their needs or separate themselves from others. Others may focus heavily on the needs of those around them, becoming “perfect caregivers” while neglecting their own needs—a pattern often described as self-abandonment and is a risk for burn out.  

Confusion between love and abuse

Another layer of complexity is that these dynamics are often framed as love. As a child, you may have learned to interpret abusive or toxic dynamics as love. This can create confusion between loving behaviours and abusive behaviours, making it harder to recognize and respond to harm.

If you notice these adaptive coping strategies, it doesn’t mean there is something “broken” about you—they helped you navigate extremely difficult circumstances. However, it is necessary that you look at them to transform them.

Reflection Pause 

I invite you to reflect on these themes.

• What resonates with you?
• What doesn’t?
• What do you want to improve upon?

If you want to, pause the audio and reflect on it for a couple of minutes.

8 Pillars to set healthier boundaries for adults with childhood trauma

Here are some pillars that help to reconnect with your boundaries. Pillar means that they are interconnected and each one of them helps you deepening your relationship with your boundaries.

Pillar 1: Body awareness

Boundaries are in your body. Therefore, the capacity to recognize your boundaries depends on your connection with your body. And if you have experienced trauma, there might be parts that don’t want to be in your body. That’s why setting healthy boundaries is connected with trauma healing. Any reconnection with your body needs to be respectful of you and of the parts of you that are afraid to be in your body. So, it’s a process.

Pillar 2: Nervous system awareness

If you are in a trauma response with no connection to your adult self, it will be really hard to communicate a boundary healthily. Your fight part may take over to protect you, or your fawn part might tell you all the reasons that your boundary doesn’t matter. So, recognizing the state of your nervous system and getting back to your adult self is often necessary before you can assess a situation and identify which boundary has been violated.

Pillar 3: Discernment

There are many myths about what healthy boundaries should look like. Keep in mind that your boundaries are uniquely yours. What’s okay for you may not be something I bother about. It’s really about assessing the standard you want to set for your life. This is likely to change and evolve throughout your healing journey.

This also includes assessing the level of health and emotional and psychological safety in the relationship. For example, in abusive dynamics, it may not be safe enough to set a boundary. Healing doesn’t mean that you assume that everybody has healthy relationship behaviours and is trustworthy, but that you learn to discern who is and who isn’t. 

You can easily test the level of health of somebody by setting a small boundary and seeing how they respond. Unfortunately, we often need to set a boundary to see whether the other person is healthy enough in their relationship behaviour.

Pillar 4: Emotional awareness

Tune in and explore what emotions and body sensations you notice as well as you can. Start where you are. Be curious about your inner experience and what it wants to tell you.

Pillar 5: Understanding the wisdom of your emotions

If you notice emotions like anger, resentment or feeling drained, ask internally what boundary has been violated? Resentment often builds up if there were boundary crossings over a longer period of time. Ask yourself what is not okay for you in the current dynamic and how you could assert a boundary. Emotions and physical symptoms, while uncomfortable, can teach you a lot about your boundaries. 

Pillar 6: Understand your protective parts

On one hand, it’s likely that you have parts that want to set boundaries. However, it is also likely that there are parts that are against setting boundaries. Be curious about this inner conflict and explore what a small step forward would be that all parties could agree on. New to parts work? Read this: Parts Work Therapy for Adults with Childhood Trauma.

Pillar 7: Outward action

After exploring your inner world – and if you came to the conclusion that the other person is safe enough – it’s time to set your boundary. You need to communicate it to the other person. 

Pillar 8: Attend to parts that get activated.

Especially at the beginning of your healing journey, parts of you might get activated after you set a boundary. They may feel guilt or shame, or feel really scared. The task is to attend to and support them, not dismiss them. Over time, they likely start to calm down. Grounding exercises can help you self-soothe when emotions feel overwhelming. Curious about activated parts? Listen to: When the Past Shows Up: Understanding Childhood Trauma Triggers as an Adult.

Practice moment

Grounding can help you when parts get activated. Let’s try a brief grounding exercise together: Place both feet on the floor. Take a breath. Name 3 things you can see right now, 2 things you can hear, 1 thing you can touch. This is a tool you can use when boundaries feel overwhelming. I’ll leave a link in the show notes with more suggestions. 

In my own practice with boundaries, I noticed that it’s easy to get it into my head. E.g. I tell myself the other person should know my boundaries, and I blame them for not respecting them. Then I gently remind myself that I need to communicate my boundary. Other people can’t read my mind. Boundaries need to be communicated (at least once) in order to be respected. If a person continuously violates your boundary after you communicated it, it could be a warning sign of a toxic relationship.

Boundaries for adults with childhood trauma: Ideas to get started

So, how do you apply all of this to your life? Let’s be clear one of the most important principles is that boundaries need to be communicated – and that’s a continuous growth process. Setting healthy boundaries is like exercise: muscles need time and practice to build. Curiosity and non-judgment towards yourself are vital.

For setting boundaries

The easiest way to start is often to reflect on a past situation and explore boundaries in that context. So, I invite you to reflect on the last month: when was there a situation when you wanted to say no? When you felt angry or drained? When did you feel exhausted?

Now, explore for yourself:

• What was going on in the situation?
• How did you feel? How did the other person behave?
• How did you behave?
• What boundary was violated for you?
• How could you have responded to the situation while feeling empowered?
• How could you set one in the future?

Visualize yourself communicating this boundary as a mental practice. The next time if you are in a similar situation, practice to communicate your boundary.

Learn to be comfortable with discomfort. Growth is uncomfortable, but over time, you will be able to strengthen your boundaries.

For receiving boundaries

Now, let’s look at situations when you crossed the boundary of another person. Remind yourself that you can’t know a boundary before crossing it. Remember that boundaries need to be communicated, and it’s healthy for the other person to express them.

Learn from the past

The big question is: what happens inside of us when another person communicates a boundary. I invite you to reflect on a situation when somebody communicated a boundary and explore what happened in your mind without judging it: What did you notice? What stories did you tell yourself in your head: Maybe a part of you told you, “They’ll hate me.” “How was I so stupid to not know?” 

Validate those parts and explore their fears. Take care of them and soothe them. Maybe a defensive part shows up. Explore its needs and acknowledge that it’s uncomfortable to hear a boundary. Take care of it, but don’t allow it to overtake and dismiss the boundary of the other person.

These are just some examples; your reaction to a boundary can be completely different. However, past situations can help you identify parts that might get activated if another person communicates a boundary.

If a person communicates a boundary

If a person communicates a boundary violation, pause and breathe. Just notice what’s happening inside of you. Then, validate the boundary. Thank you for sharing it. Apologize. I get it. I’ll work towards respecting this boundary in the future. Or ask what they might need from you for repair. 

If you go into shame or guilt or notice a heightened response, find a safe person to debrief afterwards. While shame is uncomfortable, it’s just an emotion. Connect with your breath. Feel your feet on the ground. If your emotions get really high, do a grounding exercise.

Application exercise

So, for the next week I invite you to practice noticing the following:

• Where do boundaries come up in your daily life?
• What is the difference between work and personal life?
• How is it for you to set a boundary?
• How do you respond if another person communicates a boundary. 

You don’t have to do anything yet—just observe. Awareness is the first step for change. 

Conclusion

I am aware that this is just a brief introduction to boundaries for adults with childhood trauma, and I hope it gives you some ideas on how to move forward. I will dig deeper into this topic over time, and there’s a companion article where I explore parts work and somatic practices in more detail if you want to continue learning.

Deep down, having healthy boundaries is an act of self-respect—it allows us to set a standard for what we allow into our lives and what we don’t. Respect has often been deeply violated if we lived through childhood abuse or trauma. We often had to abandon ourselves to survive. That self-abandonment was adaptive then. But now, learning boundaries is about coming home to yourself. It’s about reclaiming the right to have needs, preferences, and limits.

Keep in mind that love and respect go hand in hand. Abusive behaviour is neither love nor respect. And healthy boundaries don’t push love away—they create the conditions for real, sustainable love to exist.

As we close, I want to remind you of the journey we talked about today: reconnecting with your body, understanding your nervous system, developing discernment about what’s okay and not okay for you, learning the wisdom of your emotions and parts, and finally taking outward action. This isn’t a linear path. 

You’ll move back and forth between these steps. Some days will feel easier than others. That’s normal.

Start where you are. Be gentle with the parts of you that struggle with boundaries—they were trying to keep you safe. Practice curiosity about your inner experience. Remember that boundaries need to be communicated, and crossing them is inevitable in relationships. What matters is repair, adjustment, and mutual respect.

This is lifelong work, not a destination you arrive at. But I promise you: it gets easier. Your ability to recognize boundary violations more quickly will grow. The guilt and anxiety after setting boundaries will decrease. You’ll naturally adjust the standards about what you allow into your life: It will be easier to say no to people with abusive behaviours and choose people who respect you. And most importantly, you’ll develop a deeper sense of self, knowing who you are and what you stand for.

Sources