Do you feel sad, but you lack recognition from others? Do you sometimes feel that your grief is inappropriate and that you shouldn’t feel this way? This can be a sign that you experience disenfranchised grief. Some of our losses are socially acceptable; others are not. Disenfranchised grief is when our grief is socially silenced and excluded from the narrative of the majority. Therefore, society invalidates the experience of the person who is grieving. I have experienced a significant number of disenfranchised losses in my life, and I often recognize them in the stories of my clients.
Since each culture, community, or society has its unique rules, disenfranchised grief can show up differently depending on where you live or what community you belong to. Many cultures are shaped by toxic dynamics around grief or deny grief in general. The complex dynamics of oppression add a layer of complexity. People who belong to intentionally marginalized communities are at a higher risk of experiencing unrecognized losses since the dominant group may silence their grief.
What is disenfranchised grief?
Kenneth J. Doka first described the concept of disenfranchised grief in 1989. His definition is “grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or is socially sanctioned.”
If people experience disenfranchised grief, society or certain groups invalidate it. Therefore, the mourning process, i.e., the external expression of processing the grief, isn’t possible, or there is a risk of negative backlash. While mourning and grieving are often used interchangeably, grief is the internal emotional response to a loss. It includes feelings, thoughts and physical sensations and is a deeply personal experience. Mourning is external, i.e., the outward expression and process of dealing with internal grief. Mourning includes external actions, rituals and behaviours through which grief is expressed.
How can disenfranchised grief show up?
Disenfranchised grief can manifest in many different ways, and there are sometimes complex interdependencies. Here are typical examples of disenfranchised grief; however, the most critical aspect is the individual’s experience.
Relationships
Disenfranchised grief can show up if the loss of a relationship isn’t socially acknowledged. If the partner of a heterosexual person dies, the individual is generally able to grieve openly. This is often not the case if it comes to relationships in the 2SLGBTQ+ community: Depending on the social environment, the loss of a same-sex relationship or a polyamorous relationship is often disenfranchised if the environment is oppressive towards queer folks.
Furthermore, hidden grief may be caused by the death of a friend, an employee or a client since these losses are often not socially accepted. If a pet dies, it can also lead to disenfranchised grief.
Another area where we might face disenfranchised grief is if we don’t lose the relationship due to death but if we go through a divorce or separation. Similarly, grief may be socially invalidated if a friendship ends.
Adults who have experienced childhood abuse and cut ties with their family of origin may also experience unrecognized losses. While individuals often take this step to protect themselves, there is usually grief involved with this, for example, the loss of healthy family ties. Society frequently judges and silences the voices of those who have taken the step since cutting ties with family members is often socially unacceptable.
Disenfranchised losses
My grandfather died by suicide before I was born. My father’s side of the family never spoke about it. I only know this because my mother shared it with me. I once tried to find his gravesite. However, his name wasn’t included on the headstone. Death by suicide is just one example of deaths that are stigmatized by society. Other examples are if somebody dies due to substance use or AIDS.
Another area where people aren’t able to openly mourn is when an individual chooses to have an abortion. While it was the best decision the individual could have taken at the moment, it may also cause grief. Since abortion is a stigmatized topic, these voices are often excluded from our society. Additionally, having a miscarriage or stillbirth may result in disenfranchised grief. People who wanted to have children but weren’t able to have children also often experienced hidden grief.
Systemic oppression and disenfranchised grief
Collective losses of intentionally marginalized communities are another area where the dominant group doesn’t allow mourning. This may affect Black people when a Black person is murdered due to police violence or Indigenous Peoples due to the violence against Indigenous women or the impact of colonization. Additionally, hate crimes against members of LGTQ people can lead to hidden sorrow for queer folks. Furthermore, the effect of oppression can lead to disenfranchised loss.
The losses occurring due to the dynamics of systemic oppression and racism often cause the people targeted by it to experience disenfranchised grief. Hate crimes and police murderers are the tip of the iceberg of the losses that come with being targeted by systemic oppression and the lack of responsibility of the dominant group to change. People who were diagnosed with mental or physical illnesses may experience hidden sorrow due to ableism and stigma.
The many layers of disenfranchised grief
Disenfranchised grief isn’t just about what is lost — it’s about whose loss is recognized, validated, and supported. This grief becomes layered and complex when it intersects with systems of oppression, cultural erasure, and power imbalances. The image below illustrates how disenfranchised grief is shaped by overlapping forces:
Recognizing disenfranchised grief
Impact of hidden grief
Grief, even if it is emotionally complicated, is a normal and appropriate response to the experience of loss. The grieving process associated with disenfranchised grief is often more complex since society denies the loss and robs the individual of the right to mourn. If the individual experiences this as overwhelming and they are unable to process the emotions associated with it, disenfranchised grief may cause trauma.
Unresolved, hidden grief can significantly impact an individual’s emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. This can include intense emotions that dysregulate the individual’s nervous system or complicated grief due to the lack of recognition and acknowledgement of the loss. People may feel disconnected from others because their grief is not acknowledged or understood. Furthermore, it can harm our physical health due to the increased emotional turmoil and stress.
Signs of disenfranchised grief
While grief is a natural response to the experience of loss, disenfranchised grief often leads to invalidation and silent suffering. The voices of people with disenfranchised grief are frequently invalidated when they share their stories. They are largely excluded from the narrative of the majority, i.e. nobody speaks about their losses. Speaking about it also imposes a risk that it has a negative backlash on the person who experiences the grief. Therefore, they may process their grief in silence.
While each individual has a unique experience of disenfranchised grief, here are some common emotional experiences:
Some individuals feel deep sorrow and sadness that lack recognition from others. Since the loss isn’t socially recognized or acknowledged, it can lead to isolation and loneliness. If other people invalidate our feelings, it is a boundary violation; therefore, it is common for people with disenfranchised grief to feel angry or resentful at the situation, the lack of support, or those who don’t see the validity of their grief.
Due to the silence in society about the loss, some people feel confused about their feelings and doubt whether their grief is legitimate. The stigma associated with the grief or the loss can add a layer of shame and guilt. Some people experience fear of judgment or rejection if they express their grief.
Processing disenfranchised grief
While it is painful if society doesn’t validate your experience, it is essential to recognize that the grief is valid, independent of what society says. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. If you experience disenfranchised grief, know that your experience of grief is valid. Here are some ideas on how you can cope with it. Please take what resonates and leave the rest.
Befriend your nervous system.
Disenfranchised grief can be intense and challenge our capacity to manage emotions effectively. Therefore, you must pay attention to the state of your nervous system so that you can get back into your window of tolerance if necessary. Grounding tools can be beneficial if you experience intense emotions.
Identify your loss
To make it more tangible, you can find a physical symbol representing your loss. This is often helpful when the loss isn’t associated with a death or the loss of a relationship. This can be a stone or a picture. Some clients choose animals that represent the loss and get stuffed animals.
Journaling for emotional validation
While I don’t think it is okay that society often disenfranchises grief, it is also out of our control. Therefore, we must focus on what is within our control. I frequently teach my clients to validate their emotions. The easiest way to do this is by journalling. Acknowledge and validate your feelings and experiences through writing.
Parts work therapy
I find partswork therapy especially useful for clients who experience disenfranchised grief. This approach involves recognizing the different emotions of disenfranchised grief as parts of us and speaking with the other emotional parts as if they are a good friend. Here is a brief outline of how you can start the process:
- Identify the different emotional parts that you experience.
- Create a dialogue with the emotional parts. You can do this by taking a sheet of paper and asking the different parts what they want to tell you. Give each part space to express itself.
- Validate each part and acknowledge their experience.
Unsent letters
Unsent letters can be another way to process disenfranchised grief. This can be used in many different ways:
- If a client experiences a loss due to a miscarriage or abortion, I often invite them to write unsent letters to the unborn child and express their emotions.
- If a client experiences a loss due to immigration, they can find a symbol representing the country associated with the loss and write an unsent letter to this country.
Supportive relationships
Explore the circle of friends or family members willing to listen to your experience of grief. Choose people who can validate your experience and avoid those who don’t. Support groups can be another way to process grief. For example, when my cat died, I joined a pet loss group to process my grief. Other support groups can be groups that only allow members of one community, i.e. groups for Black or LGBTQ folks. Recently, there are also more grief groups available to process climate grief.
Professional support
Since disenfranchised grief is complex and often a very lonely experience, it can be helpful to ask for professional support. Grief counselling can give you the space to process and integrate your grief. When I work with clients, I find a combination of partswork therapy and EMDR therapy especially useful.
However, appropriate mental health support means that you find a counsellor who has done their growth so that they don’t disenfranchise your grief but can acknowledge it. Otherwise, there is a risk that the invalidating social dynamic repeats itself in the therapeutic relationship.
If you belong to an intentionally marginalized group, it’s essential that the therapist either belongs to the same group or practices anti-oppressive/ anti-racist practices. Otherwise, you may run into the risk that your experience is invalidated in counselling as it is invalidated in society.
If you are interested in getting professional support, here are some questions that you can ask a counsellor:
- I am experiencing disenfranchised grief due to (enter your loss). What experience do you have working with this form of grief?
- How do you ensure that the grief and emotions of your clients are validated in therapy, especially when society may not acknowledge their loss?
- How do you integrate anti-oppressive or anti-racist practices in your counselling approach? How do you manage your privilege in the therapeutic relationship healthily? How do you ensure clients from marginalized groups feel supported and understood?
- What steps have you taken in your own personal and professional growth to be able to support clients experiencing disenfranchised grief?
Curious about learning more practical tools for healing? Tune into the episode ‘5 Effective Trauma Counselling Techniques‘ for valuable insights
Take away
Disenfranchised grief, though often silenced by society, is a valid and significant experience. Individuals can process their experience by understanding this unique form of grief and employing coping strategies like journaling, parts work therapy, and creating personal rituals. Counselling can only be adequate if the counsellor recognizes and validates the disenfranchised loss. It is recommended that people from marginalized communities ask potential counsellors about their cultural awareness and whether they practice anti-oppressive practices. Remember, your grief is valid, and with the proper support, you can navigate this challenging journey toward acceptance and integration.
Sources
This article is informed by my professional training, lived experience in trauma recovery, ongoing study, professional practice, and the works of trusted authors and organizations in trauma recovery, mental health, and social justice. The references below include the books, trainings, and evidence-based resources that shaped the ideas discussed here:
Anderson, F. (2024). Mastering internal family systems therapy (IFS) [Online professional training]. PESI
Bow Valley College. (2018). Aboriginal history, identity and culture (HMSV1102) [In-person course]. Bow Valley College
Bow Valley College. (2018). Policy, power and social action (HMSV3401) [in-person course]. Bow Valley College
Doka, K. J. (Ed.). (2002). Disenfranchised grief: New directions, challenges, and strategies for practice (1st ed.). Research Press
