Your heart is tingling when you are close to them. Your world becomes a little more vivid when you around them. Your eyes shine brightly when you see them… Do you know this feeling?
Falling in love is such a beautiful moment. However, what if this precious time is clouded by fears and doubts: What if I get rejected another time? What if I end up in a toxic relationship another time? Let’s face it: falling in love may be a difficult theme after heartbreak or betrayal. We may want to avoid it because we don’t want to repeat the pain from the past. However, if we do so, we allow fears and our past to control our live. While this can protect us from further hurt, it can limit our lives. Do you want to allow this to happen? What if we could fall in love in a smart way?
So, what options do we have to falling in love in a smart way?
Let’s be real: Not everybody we meet will be a good choice for a relationship. However, when we meet somebody we are interested in, it may also be an opportunity for creating the loving and healthy relationship we wanted for a long time. Nobody knows in the beginning how the story ends.
If we don’t give it a try, we will never know what the result may be. So, how can we fall in love in a smart way? How can we avoid the pitfalls of the past? I don’t know which pitfalls you experienced in your life, but I had my share of them. While they were painful, they also taught me to look for a different way on how to fall in love. Here some ideas that I’d like to share with you.
Take it slow
Getting to know a person takes time. If we have met them three times, we might have butterflies in the stomach, but it does not say if we are compatible. People are complex individuals with their lived experiences, their strengths, and weaknesses. One of my instructors used to say that it takes about a year to have enough information about another human being to commit to them as they are. Major red flags may to show up between three to six months but subtle ones are often hard to identify while falling in love.
If you want to create a healthy relationship, you need to be able to accept your partner as they are. Don’t force yourself to make decisions if you don’t have enough understanding of your partner. Take your time to get to know them. Make a conscious decision whether you want to have a relationship with this person taking into account all aspects of their personality. Don’t fall into the trap to hope that people will change. Look at them and ask yourself whether they are compatible with you as they are right now.
Understand yourself
Not every person we meet will be compatible with us. The better we know ourselves and the better we can communicate it, the more likely we can see whether the other individual is a good match. Know your values, what you can accept in a relationship and what is not acceptable. Talk about it. Understand your needs and communicate them. If your possible partner is not compatible with you, your relationship has not really a good prospect in the long run. It will save you a lot of time and unnecessary heartbreak.
Be yourself
When we are interested in somebody, we may want to only show our best sides and hide those aspects of us we consider socially unacceptable. However, a healthy relationship needs authenticity and vulnerability. While revealing yourself is a process, you need to show your possible partner who you are over time. It allows them to see you and to make a choice they agree with. If somebody doesn’t want to be with you when you are authentic, they are not a good match in the first place.
Let go of control
Falling in love again is an insecure moment. While we might hope that everything works out for the best, there is a risk that it won’t. We cannot control if the other person will return our interest. We also cannot control whether they might commit to us.
Focus on what you can control: Yourself. Be yourself in the relationship. Be curious about the process of getting to know the other person, but don’t get obsessed about the possible outcome. Stay present in what is going on for you in the relationship. Remind yourself that you cannot make anybody love you. Have the courage to let go of the person if they don’t return your love.
Check your assumptions
When we fall in love, we may assume that our love interest shares our hopes and dreams. We may think that the words we use mean the same for them. However, each individual is different and has their unique perspective of the world. Create awareness about the assumptions you make about your partner. Be aware that you do not know whether they are true.
When I was younger, I used to assume that people had the same dream about a relationship I had. However, I learned that this is not true. Each person had individual desires concerning love and relationships. Don’t take it for granted that your partner sees the world as you do it. Some people may want commitment, others look for a brief sexual adventure. Ask your partner questions to clarify the level of truth in your assumptions. Talk about your differences and seek to understand your partner’s world. Having complex conversations allows you to protect your heart while falling in love.
Respect yourself
It is easy to get carried away if we meet a new love interest. We may want to please them, we may want to be there for them, and we may not want to disappoint them. Therefore, we may ignore our boundaries or give more than we should do. However, the initial phase sets the stage for the future.
Falling in love in a smart way requires that you respect yourself and set healthy boundaries. If they respect them, it is great. If they ignore them or get angry with you, this might be a warning sign. If your love interest is violating your boundaries, attacking your dignity or ignoring your most profound principles or values, you are better off without them. Curious about your boundary-setting skills? Take my Healthy Boundaries Quiz to gain insights and start building stronger relationships.
Balance
While we may want to spend every free moment with our new love, it is important that we need to balance intimacy and autonomy. If we want to create a healthy foundation for a relationship, we need to love for our partner while loving for ourselves. Don’t put your partner first. It is essential that you have space for yourself, that you continue with your personal or spiritual goals and follow professional and personal goals outside of the relationship. If this balancing is lacking, we are likely to end up in a dependency. In this case, take a step back, self-reflect and evaluate how you can transform the patterns so that you can put yourself first.
Creating a new and healthy relationship is not about needing the other person; it is about consciously choosing to be with the other person. I hope that they give you some inspirations to fall in love in a smart way. If you notice that you need them, you might need to deepen your own healing work. Hope for the best but don’t be too attached to the outcome or the thought that “they must be the one.” Trust and follow your inner voice. It is the best compass to guide you in a direction that is good for you. I wish you all the best on your journey to falling in love in a smart way.
Sources & influences
My professional training, ongoing study, professional experience, and the works of trusted authors and organizations in mental health and social justice inform this article. The instructor I mentioned was part of the the first year of the Family Constellation Training at the Institute Gestalt in Barcelona. The references below include the books, trainings, and evidence-based resources that shaped my understanding and approach, providing context and support for the ideas discussed here:
Riso, W. (2003). Ama y no sufras: Cómo disfrutar plenamente de la vida en pareja [Love and Don’t Suffer: How to Fully Enjoy Life as a Couple]. Editorial Norma
Riso, W. (2006). Los límites del amor: Hasta dónde amarte sin renunciar a lo que soy [The limits of love: How to love without renouncing who I am]. Editorial Norma.
Forward, S., & Frazier, D. (1997). Emotional blackmail: When the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you. William Morrow.
