While more people today recognize that boundaries are necessary and healthy, some common boundary myths still linger. These boundary myths can unconsciously hold us back from protecting ourselves and creating stronger relationships. Let’s explore the most frequent misconceptions and the truths behind them.
Acknowledgment:
While this article focuses on boundary myths, I also want to acknowledge that experiences of childhood abuse and relational trauma can significantly affect our ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Healing is possible, but it is often a journey that requires patience, persistence, and support. Setting boundaries is not always easy, and each person’s path will look different. If you’ve experienced trauma, consider seeking trauma counselling to support your growth and well-being.
Myth 1: Boundaries push people away
Truth: There is a common fear among people that boundaries push people away. This could be a risk if an individual has rigid boundaries but it is not the case for healthy boundaries. They increase the level of trust in the relationship. Healthy boundaries are the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Boundaries allow us to be closer together and increase safety in a relationship. As a result, they increase the level of trust in a relationship. If we don’t set healthy boundaries, it is also common that we feel more resentful over time. Resentment disconnects us from the other person. We can prevent resentment if we respect our boundaries.
Myth 2: Love has no boundaries/ love is limitless
Truth: The saying that love is limitless is commonly used. However, it simplifies the complex dynamics of relationships and may easily get out of hand if we are in a emotionally abusive or toxic relationship. While love may be limitless, relationships need healthy boundaries.
Healthy love includes having a balance between loving the other person and respecting ourselves. Especially if we have experienced childhood trauma, we may have learned toxic ideas around love and be used that are boundaries are constantly violated. However, recovery is possible with trauma counselling.
A relationship needs autonomy and intimacy. If we do not respect our boundaries, we are not respecting ourselves. Love alone is not enough for a relationship. A relationship also needs respect and mutual growth. Since respect is the foundation of love, we do not act loving towards ourselves if we ignore our boundaries. Furthermore, we allow the other person to get to know us better if we communicate a boundary.
Myth 3: If I set boundaries, I am selfish.
Truth: If I put myself first, I can give my energy to more people.
This belief is common amongst parents when it comes to setting boundaries with their children or people in the helping profession. Do you remember the safety procedures in an airplane in case of loss of cabin pressure? It says that you have to put on your mask first before you can help others. Why do they have this rule? If you help others first, you’ll run out of oxygen very quickly and won’t be able to help anybody. If you put on your mask first, you can help more people.
The same is true for our relationships: If you feel drained, resentful, and exhausted because you neglected your boundaries, you cannot help anybody. However, if you learn to put ourselves first, you have more energy to give to others. I am not saying that it is as easy as it sounds. Some people have learned as children to take care of their parents due to various reasons, e.g. a parent was sick or using substances. Therefore, it may take time to learn to put yourself first.
One important element of boundaries is that they need to be communicated. Here you can learn how you can communicate your boundaries efficiently.
Take away boundary myths
Challenging boundary myths is essential for building healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Healthy boundaries:
- Create safety and emotional security
- Build trust and deeper connection
- Allow you to love others while respecting yourself
- Give you energy and clarity to support others effectively
Boundaries are not restrictive—they are empowering. By confronting these myths and practicing setting limits, you reclaim your power and promote healthier relationships for yourself and those around you.
What myths have you learned about boundaries? How could you challenge them?
Sources
My professional training, ongoing study, professional experience, and the works of trusted authors and organizations in mental health and social justice inform this article. The references below include the books, trainings, and evidence-based resources that shaped my understanding and approach, providing context and support for the ideas discussed here.
Center for Right Relationships (2012). Organization & relationship systems coaching training [in-person training curriculum]. Center for Right Relationships
Riso, W. (2006). Los límites del amor: Hasta dónde amarte sin renunciar a lo que soy [The limits of love: How to love without renouncing who I am]. Editorial Norma.
Katherine, A. (1994). Boundaries: Where you end and I begin: How to recognize and set healthy boundaries. Hazelden Publishing
